Corporate Ladies Room Etiquette

I just don't understand. I thought it was over. I thought I was free. Free to enjoy a clean bathroom whilst stationed at my place of employment eight hours a day.

I was wrong.

Let me tell you, our bathrooms here are cleaned four times a day. I know this for a fact because I've become friendly with the bathroom cleaning lady. I also know that she does do a very good job. But boy, do I feel bad for this poor woman and what she has to deal with.

From looking around at the women who work on this floor, you'd think that they were all upstanding citizens. They are well dressed, well coiffed and generally look well taken care of. I don't know what happens once they cross the doorway into the bathroom, but they turn into downright animals.
I have walked in there and nearly gagged on occasion. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that it's a bathroom and that certain smells are unaviodable. However, certain smells can easily be minimized by the simple task of flushing the goddamned toilet!! For the most part, they are all automatic flushers, but sometimes, they neglect to flush when you stand up. There is a little backup button that you can push on just these occasions.
It flushes the toilet, people. If you stand up and don't hear the automatic whoosh, don't just walk out. Push the button. Everything goes away and everyone is happy.

But no, this is obviously too much work for these women. They're much too important and busy to press some silly little button. So they just walk out. And leave....thier shit....behind.
I can't stand it. And I just don't understand it.

Now, we also have another little problem. There seems to be some sort of epidemic of pissing on seats. I used to share a bathroom with 4 men at my old job and it was NEVER this bad.
I don't understand this for several reasons.
A) We are graciously provided with paper seat covers at all times.
B) How is it possible that you don't notice that you piss all over the seat?
C) Is it really possible that you just don't give a damn?

There is one woman in particular, who I will heretofore refer to as the Horse Pisser. This is a woman who I have had the unfortunate luck to have shared the bathroom with many times. My theory is that she waits until she can not possibly wait ANY longer to go and pee. She barges in, usually clacking unattractively in some ridiculous hooker heels, slams the doors and proceeds to let out a stream that can ONLY be compared to a horse. I believe that she pees SO forcefully that it actually splashes back up onto the seat. And let me tell you: Girlfriend don't give a damn.

She leaves it. Every time.

Whats up with that, Horse Pisser??

Now I don't mean to sound like the bathroom nazi or anything like that. I've just worked here a year and a half now and I pee every 40 seconds or so (ask my wife, I have the baldder of an infant). So, I mean, I visit here a lot. You get to know the place. And people. And sights, and sounds. And, oh god, the smells. (**shudder**)

Sometimes, I feel like I'd rather deal with this guy all over again.


Razor Family Farms said...

I am cracking up -- snorting and giggling -- OMG! Were these people placed on some clone list that none of us were made aware of? I believe that these "horse pissers" are in every office, store, and church. I am continually amazed at the state of the ladies' rooms throughout this country. Are we not called "ladies" with the assumption that we will act like it? Apparently that failed to register with the masses. I am so sick of seeing toilet tissue and paper towels -- even feminine product wrappers -- on the floors of the restrooms.

An excellent post!


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christina said...

ha, i love the nickname 'horse pisser'! sadly, there are a few of them in my office too -- it seriously disturbs me how gross the office bathroom can would think i worked in a bus depot. so i can commiserate!

Shamelessly Sassy said...

haha! I am amazed at the ways some people behave in restrooms. I used to work at this place that had the grossest bathroom known to man kind. Great post!

Heather(Flash) said...

We have these automatic flushers as well, but I can't tell you how many times I have gone into the bathroom and had to flush someone else's shit or bloody mess down the toilet! Women are surprisingly disgusting. I too worked with all men in my prior job and the bathroom was much cleaner than it is here with women. Look back ladies! no one wants to know your bathroom business!

Anonymous said...

i meant the comment for the chicken ladie to go here and this comment to go to the chicken lady. Ironically, this too is 7th paragraph... that was weird
not that was wierd...
i know i suck!
delete this comment too!!!
love you

Anonymous said...

dude ignore me
have you been reading my comments?
delete them
i think someone drugged my diet coke today
i am chalking things up to the whole
friday the 13th
i will try to be less retarded later...

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