I am so not down with hair; or, Thoughts on being gay

Oh, how I love the time afforded to me to think by sitting in large amounts of traffic each week. I was driving home yesterday and I randomly chose CD number 5 from my player in my car, not really knowing what CD’s were in any of them. Much to my delight, Bob Marley comes on. So I’m driving, I’m singing along:

I wanna love you, and treat you right
I wanna love you, every day and every night
We'll be together, with a roof right over our heads
We'll share the shelter, of my single bed

And then my brain starts off on its own. (Yes, this will be another crazy stream-of-consciousness one.) So I’m thinking about the song and you know how songs can make you think about other things, or make you think about what the song is saying. So I come to the realization that my brain turns everything gay. When he’s singing, “We’ll be together, with a roof right over our heads”, my brain is conjuring an image of two women. Which is weird. Not for me, of course, but Bob was straight. The man had 13 children with 9 different women. I doubt he was thinking about two women. Well, he could have been, but probably not. And even if he was, it was probably from some manly, “we love lesbians” point of view.
But, back on track here.
My brain made Bob’s song gay. But it’s interesting to me, because we only get to experience one brain in our lifetimes. So it’s funny when we tell someone, “I know what you’re thinking.” No, you don’t. You have no idea what goes on in my crazy little head.
My brain made the song gay, because that is what my brain understands. My life is lived between two women. This is my ideal of a happy place. Me and another woman. I understand this inherently.
Then this makes me think of how in the hell straight people get by. I mean, I know how two women work together, communicate together, and have sex together. But it baffles me how women and men can live together. I often find myself wondering how this works out. I mean, it’s not like I don’t know that this is the vast majority of the population, but really? WTF? Men are so different from women. I could even understand how two men could work together, because they are alike in thoughts.

Scratch ass.
Get ass.
Yell at TV.
Get more ass.

I can understand this.
But my poor, poor straight women friends. I give you so much credit. You put up with so much. Your beautiful, emotion riddled brains must deal with Neanderthal like beings and act like you’re happy about it. See, I feel bad now, because I know many of you are perfectly happy with your men, and that’s wonderful. I just feel like you’re all missing out on what could be all yours in the arms of another beautiful, emotion riddled woman. Do you have any idea what sex is like with someone who is at the exact emotional, spiritual, passion-filled state as you!??! No. You poor things have to deal with insert, plunge, repeat.
They have things that dangle outside the body. This is frightening to me. All appendages should remain firmly inside the body, as far as I'm concerned.
And the hair. My god, they’re covered in hair. Anyone who denies the existence of evolution need only look at a hairy man. How can we NOT have come from apes? Have you SEEN Robin Williams?!?
I am SO not down with hair.

(*Disclaimer - I mean no offense to any straight/gay or otherwise persons. This is simply what my brain does on its left completely unattended. I swear.*)


Jen said...

This was so funny, and so true. I've only been with women for six months now, and I already find myself talkign to my straight friends with a sense of pity...like if only they knew what it could be.

I guess that's why I'm gay :)


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