I'm really sick of hearing it.
- "You're not good enough to do that."
- "You're not cute enough to pull off that shirt."
- "You're not smart enough to speak your mind."
- "You have no right to say what you feel."
- "You're not pretty enough for anyone to notice you."
- "You'll never actually be able to write that book you want to."
It's all very insulting, isn't it? Especially when you take into consideration that all of this comes from within my own head.
I might just be the best self-defeater that I know. And no one else suspects a thing. Becuase no one sees it happen. I shoot myself down before an idea even has a chance to fully form itself. I suppose this could sound like a confidence issue, but here's the funny part. I KNOW that I'm smart enough, good enough. I just don't think that other people will agree with me.
So, somewhere in my brain is such concern and fear over what others think of me, that you could almost call me conceited. Cause really, THAT many people care about what I say or do or look like?? I don't think so.
So I've got this viscous cycle going around. I'm aware that other people really don't give a fuck, yet I'm so concerned that they MIGHT care, that I prevent myself from doing anything to possibly draw thier attention. Still with me??
And who are these people, you ask? Fucked if I know.
So I'm essentially holding myself, my thoughts, my desires, my wants and my needs back in order to prevent the possible dislike of complete strangers? Check.
My god, I'm a fucking idiot. But I'm really getting sick of being an idiot. My brain (the dumb part, at least) needs to shut the hell up. I want to stop filtering and censoring myself and really be able to say all the things that I want to without giving myself a chance to shoot me down. I want to act on the impulses when they strike. I want to feel pretty enough to rock that shirt, Fashion Police be damned.
So you're done, Brain. I'm shutting your filters OFF, from now on.
Keep a lookout for a more impulsive me. And suck it if you don't like it.
And thank you for enduring this manic meta rant. I'm done now.