Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall....

So I'm sorry that it seems as though my blog is turning into some sort of introspective rant on my part, but I just need to work these things out and this is my blog so this is where I'm gonna do it.

I'm fairly certain that I don't know what I look like. You think I'm an idiot, right? How does a person not know what they look like? Very easily, in fact. And it's not that I don't own any mirrors or anything. I have quite a few of them, actually. I just never seem to concentrate on them when it's my own face staring back at me. And I mean, I look at myself when I get ready in the morning, but I never really notice anything.
I'm not a make-up kinda gal and my hairdresser always has to remind me that "I should really do something about those eyebrows." I've been told that I have nice skin. I like my green eyes. I think my nose is a bit big, but it was taken straight off my father's face, so I can't really do anything about that. I suppose I have an average sort of mouth. But I'm just not sure what all of these pieces add up to as a whole. And that's all just on my head. I only seem to look at myself in pieces. Smallish boobs, bit of a belly, a big puerto rican ass on top of some diesel thighs. But again, what does it all add up to?

I honestly surprise myself sometimes. On the brief walk that I have from my train to my building in the mornings, there's a ton of mirrored storefronts. And on the rare occasions where I happen to catch a glimpse of myself in one of these windows, I'm downright floored to find a full grown woman staring back at me. When did this happen? My minds' eye still sees my 18 year old image, and I seriously need to update that file, cause no way do I look like that anymore.

Maybe this is part of why my brain shoots itself down all the time. Because a part of me thinks that I'm still too young to handle things. But then, I've always been told I've got one of those old souls, wise beyond my years. Perhaps I really was wise at such a young age that no one took me seriously back then. So I censored myself in order to prevent ridicule and I've never stopped censoring. So maybe, if I can get my brain to realize that I'm almost 30, I'll finally think I'm old enough to handle myself.

Geez, I should start thinking about changing the name of this blog to something with "Therapy" in the title.


missyandchrissy said...

i like the therapeutic posts...we all need some introspection every once in awhile! it's funny because i often wonder the same thing about how can i possibly be an adult because i have this image of myself in my head that so isn't one. i wonder what (if anything) will ever make that change...maybe having a child? no clue.

TCS said...

I get it completely. I'm the one who always takes a moment to recognize herself in those security tv's they have in banks etc. I've often said that it's like I forget that I have a face, I mean, I see my hands all the time because they are right there, but my face not so much. I'm not sure that all that many people will get that. Ah well... Guess I've always been a bit of an odd duck.

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